Transformation in 2012: Renewing Your Mind

by Susan Miller, PhD, LPCS, NCC

Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor

Kaizen-Muse™ Creativity Coach and Professional Life Coach

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” Romans 12: 2 NIV

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent and praiseworthy – think about such things.” Philippians 4: 8 NIV

The word resolution means a firm decision or intention to do something or not to do something. Resolutions alone do not work for me. They are certainly easy to make, but horrendous to follow through without some clutter removal in my mind.

What do we want when we make a New Year resolution? We desire transformation – a permanent positive change. Transformation cannot occur unless we begin with two very important questions:

What thoughts am I feeding my mind? What am I believing about myself to be true?

Transformation starts when we take a hard look at the lies that we believe about ourselves. These lies or false beliefs color how we perceive and experience our lives. Most of us have some unhealthy thinking patterns that originated in our early years when we were not yet able to think abstractly. We experienced life literally as a child. In the course of this literal translation of life, we took on some false beliefs about who we are. These negative core beliefs stick with us like glue and continue to wreak havoc with our attempts to make positive renovations in our lives unless we begin the process of renewing our mind.

Renewal means renovation, restoration, rejuvenation, revitalization, rekindling and regeneration. Renewing the mind is a more fluid process that has to come before making an actual resolution. This process requires us to dig deeper into the roots of our thinking patterns, then change these to patterns that encourage rather than prohibit desired change in our lives. Renewing our mind offers fertile tilled ground in which we can begin to grow the fruit we wish to produce.

The world around us, like Paul talks about in Romans 12: 2, can have a negative influence on our thinking and living, conforming us to define ourselves through our performance or other people’s approval. This poor self-concept can cause unruly behavior patterns such as self-sabotage, procrastination, avoidance and self-criticism. These behavior patterns are what get us into trouble with following through with any resolutions or intentions we have in our lives. Paul recommends in both Romans 12: 2 and Philippians 4: 8 something that is wonderfully revolutionary that really works: Renewing our minds! Renewing our minds means filling our thoughts with what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy. We can change our brain by replacing the negative thoughts with positive ones setting up a new foundation that can motivate us into complete transformation.

Do you want transformation this year? I know I do. Here are several ways to begin the renovation process in your brain to help you move toward desired change:

1. Explore your faith through reading the Bible and studying uplifting inspirational writings.

2. Practice spiritual disciplines such as prayer, meditation, confession, worship, celebration, reflection and mindfulness.

3. Begin each day with an simple affirmation about yourself and life that you can remember each time your inner critic shouts too loud.

4. Be more compassionate with yourself by changing your self-talk to something more kind. Instead of saying “I can’t ever get this right” say “If I keep trying, I will begin to get this right more often!”

5. Give yourself permission to lower your expectations if you are finding it hard to succeed at your intentions. Break down your goals into smaller steps and focus on one thing at a time.

6. Write a credit report at the end of the day. Write a list of at least five things you accomplished that day. Remember that you make a difference and an impact in the world each day!

If you would like to learn more about transformation by the renewing your mind, here are a few good books to read:

Spiritual Transformation:

Search for Significance by Robert McGee

Celebration of Discipline: The Path to Spiritual Growth by Richard Foster

Living a Purpose-Full Life by Jan Johnson

The Purpose-Driven Life by Rick Warren

Setting Goals and Creativity Transformation:

One Small Step Can Change Your Life: The Kaizen Way by Robert Maurer, PhD

The Nine Modern Day Muses: 10 Guides to Creative Inspiration by Jill Badonsky, MEd

I would be happy to help you on your journey of transformation with counseling, life purpose coaching, and creativity coaching to make your 2012 be all that you want it to be! Check out my website www.millercounselingservices.com for more information about Miller Counseling Services.

Happy New Year!

Susan

Creative Grief: Remaining in Hope

During the Upcoming Fall and Holiday Season

Recently I experienced an emotional overload that came upon me unexpectedly! I actually was not aware that I was carrying around such a load of tears until I went to visit my prec

Over the past eleven years, I have lost both my parents, as well as my sister and my husband’s parents. There have been countless other losses in my life, such as my children moving out to pursue their life goals, the deaths of grandparents, other relatives, and pets, most recently a beautiful calico kitty. Other losses that have peppered my somewhat normal life have been business and job losses, losses of relationships and losses that come from moving around from place to place during my younger adult life, only to name a few! I am sure that I am not alone in this journey as most people experience these same types of losses in their lives normally, and may not even realize that grief has visited them.ious grand-niece, who is my sister’s name sake. My sister had passed away in April of 2009, after a swift tumultuous bout with ovarian cancer. My grand-niece was born two years later, almost to the date of my sister’s passing. In the middle of a visit with this beautiful little bundle of joy, I began to experience this welling up in me of emotion that was unaccounted for in any other way but a huge sense of loss. Upon leaving, I lingered very long in the hugs and began to cry, and in my tears, I remarked that I did not know where the emotional burst came from. As I left my sister’s home and her precious adult children, her husband and her grandchild, I realized that I felt the lack of her presence in that moment in time. Fortunately I was aware of this emotional response and the depth of the loss, and was able to freely express this “strange” reaction in the presence of those who also were well acquainted with this loss of mother, wife and grandmother as well. The love was overwhelmingly healing for me and was exactly what I needed in that moment and time in my life. That reminded me of one of the blessings of the healing journey of grief, the sense of warmth and love that comes to fill up the big hole that is left in our life after we have experienced a loss. This loss could be when a loved one leaves by death, divorce, or something changes our lives traumatically such as a natural disaster or dealing with a family member who becomes physically or mentally ill. We experience a sense of abandonment that rattles us to the core. We long for wholeness and security that we are missing.

During the upcoming fall holiday season, if we have experienced a significant loss, we will more than likely experience memories and events that will trigger responses that seem “strange” in any other context. The fall season and holidays carry with it a sense of change and new beginnings, as well as memories of places and times past. If you have experienced a divorce, then the family routines and important traditions have been uprooted and disturbed, with a challenge of being in painful situations or having to deal with a change that feels uncomfortable. Feelings of anger, confusion, sadness and anxiety may come to the surface, leaving you wondering how to handle family interactions and what to say, and feeling exhausted from the efforts. If the loss was a death of a loved one, then the memories flood back at times, causing great wrenching pain remembering how different it would be if that person was still present in your life. Even if the loss is not new, these feelings are always under the surface and can visit you afresh, in unexpected ways. You may think you are “over it” but it will hit you again! That is because grief is an unending, yet changing, journey. Grief is a fluid process that integrates into our lives, with the pain lessening in depth and frequency as time goes on.

Strangely enough, grief is an important process, leading us toward healing and a more balanced, healthy life. This ancient, yet familiar journey occurs in everyone’s lives. We cannot avoid it. We can trust that God created our brains with the capacity to grieve. By allowing this important natural process to occur as it comes to the surface, we will experience relief, peace and a settling of our souls. It is a purging process that helps us make sense of our lives in the present. This purging process can actually help to heal us during this memory-infused fall season that leads us into the holidays in November and December.

There are many strategies that can help us to grieve. Talking to other family members and friends about our feelings, finding spiritual rituals such as time for meditation and prayer, staying busy doing things that we enjoy, finding time to journal and reflect, and allowing ourselves to experience the emotions and thoughts that come to mind, rather than pushing them down deep inside.

The busyness of the upcoming season can keep us from taking the time to “listen” to the things that well up inside that need to be heard to process grief in healthy ways. We can instead get so busy that we do not notice, rather disassociate from, the emotions. This only causes pain and repressed grief to come up more loudly at a later time, and has the power to affect our lives in adverse ways.

One especially effective way to handle grief is to explore a creative outlet that is uniquely motivating to you. Creativity is healing in and of it self, but especially if it is focused on your grief and loss. Here are some suggestions of using creativity to help you as a way to grieve:

• Create a personal scrapbook of past holidays and events with your loved one or family. Add special journaling with each page that speaks of YOUR heart and feelings during those special times. This does not have to be shown to anyone if you would prefer, so you can be honest with your thoughts.
• Create a visual journal that includes collage and doodles, quotes, pictures and memorabilia that expresses some particular theme that you feel a need to process such as Life with Dad or Mom, Fun at the Beach, and some historical references to your loved one or your family.
• If you like gardening and landscaping, make a special arrangement outside that would be conducive to the season, in memory of the loss or loved one. You can use all types of unique items, maybe sparked by a particular statue, bird feeder or nature object that reminds you of your loved one or the past.
• Create a wall hanging with a fish net that you can purchase (you can get them at Michaels). You and/or your family can put memorabilia and symbols in the net that can memorialize your loved one or the situation that you have lost.
• Write stories of memories that come to you during the season and decorate with art-making and photos. Write poems, music or any other creative expression of your grief in a special journal. Just recording ideas of creative expressions will get you started on this creative grief journey.
• If you like to sew or knit, create a memory quilt or knit a prayer shawl.
• Create an “altered” book that focuses on a memories that pop up during the holidays.

You can find instructions and ideas for creative projects in books, and online. If you need some help figuring out something to do, consider my Creative Grief group described below or an individual counseling/coaching session with me to get you started.

Even if you do not feel like you have an “artistic” bent, you will have a creative side which is worth allowing to help you with this process. The important thing is to have a simple, yet meaningful way that you can creatively express your feelings and thoughts during this upcoming season to contain your grieving process should it arrive on your doorstep! By having this available for you, you will have a safe place to express yourself, which will help you handle the journey and grow stronger. A sense of dread will be replaced with a new beginning of rest, hope and healing. Try it!!

If this interests you and you would like to learn this process, I am facilitating a supportive creative grief group this fall and holiday season, Creative Grief: A Journey Into Hope and Healing. This group is a uniquely designed experience that utilizes creative expression and group support as a way to encourage your healing journey through the upcoming holiday season. It will meet on Thursday evenings, 6:30 – 8:30 for six sessions starting October 13 and go through December 15. It is designed to meet twice a month, so that you will have freedom during the busy holiday season.

Call or email Miller Counseling Services or see our website for more information and to download a flyer.

Click HERE to download flyer.

Blog Entry 9/29/11 on www.MillerCounselorServices.com http://www.millercounselingservices.com/blog.html

© 2011 Susan Miller, PhD, LPCS, NCC

Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor

Certified Kaizen-Muse™ Creativity Coach

Creativity Therapist

How to Travel Light

By Susan S. Miller, PhD, LPCS, NCC

Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor

Certified Kaizen-Muse™ Creativity Coach Candidate for Certified Creativity Coach

Psychotherapist

www.MillerCounselingServices.com

Max Lucado speaks about life’s baggage in his book, Traveling Light: Releasing the Burdens We Were Never Intended to Bear: The Promise of Psalm 23:

“The suitcase of guilt. A sack of discontent. You drape a duffel bag of weariness on one shoulder and a hanging bag of grief on the other. Add on a backpack of doubt, an overnight bag of loneliness, and a trunk of fear. Pretty soon you're pulling more stuff than a skycap. No wonder you're so tired at the end of the day.”

Traveling quite a bit the past year has taught me a lot about what I need and don’t need through packing my bags. What do I really need to bring with me? Can I live without this or that? I usually find in the piles of perfect packing that I only use a small amount of what I take with me! I ALWAYS regret the consequences of heavy baggage: higher fees, sore shoulders and back from lugging and lifting, more clothes to hang up and not enough hangers, more “things” to unpack and repack resulting in time wasted and the frustration from not knowing what is enough.

Is life like that? Do we carry around heavy unneeded baggage with us where ever we go? We will feel this just like we feel the soreness in our shoulders. Like Max Lucado says….discontent, weariness, grief, doubt, loneliness and fear are the consequences of having heavy laden baggage. Lightening up would really bring a lot of freedom, wouldn’t it? What is the baggage that weights you down? How do these “bags” affect your productivity and creativity, as well as your daily life?

In traveling, I realize I may need a skycap who can carry this weight OR I can get rid of some things and pack lighter next time. Just what are these burdens that I keep with me? What makes me hold on so tightly? How do I get rid of things that are burdening me? To unpack I need some very important strategies:

1. Spiritual Practice of Quiet and Reflection: I need to establish quiet and reflective routines that allow for worship and centering. By prayer and meditation FIRST, I can listen to what God is saying to me about what I really need. I can more easily see the TRUTH about myself and LET GO of the burdens that hinder my personal growth and effectiveness in life.

2. Reframing and Listening to Truth: I can recognize Negative Thought Patterns that crowd my luggage space and replace them with True and Affirming Thoughts that allow for freedom and energy in my life.

3. Visual Anchors: I can visualize an anchor (a picture of something or a statement) that reminds me to get back on track and get rid of pounds of unneeded stuff in my life. I use the visual anchor of Lucado’s heavy laden suitcase being swept away by a very strong and joyful skycap. He puts it on a plane and it flys away, never to be seen again! This skycap then hands me the perfect lightweight bag. I look inside and find exactly what I need for that very moment! I hear the sky cap say: “Thank-you Ma’am, for Letting Go of Those Bags! Have a great day!” This sky cap can actually be God taking hold of my burdens for me!

During the upcoming fall season, more than likely you will be packing your bags to go somewhere. When you do, take the time to reflect on these questions: What is burdening me right now? What do I need to let go of? What do I really need right now? Allow yourself to slow down enough to get Quiet and Reflect, Reframe and Listen to the Truth, and Visualize your own personal Skycap whisking your burdens away and giving back to you exactly what you need.

(used in a shorter from on CCA newsletter – December 2010)

(used in a blog on MCS – September 2011)

©2010 Susan Miller, PhD, LPCS, NCC, BCPCC

Traveling Light

By Susan Miller, PhD, LPCS, NCC

Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor

Certified Kaizen-Muse™ Creativity Coach

Candidate for Certified Creativity Coach

www.MillerCounselingServices.com

Max Lucado speaks about life’s baggage in his book, Traveling Light: Releasing the Burdens We Were Never Intended to Bear: The Promise of Psalm 23:

“The suitcase of guilt. A sack of discontent. You drape a duffel bag of weariness on one shoulder and a hanging bag of grief on the other. Add on a backpack of doubt, an overnight bag of loneliness, and a trunk of fear. Pretty soon you're pulling more stuff than a skycap. No wonder you're so tired at the end of the day.”

Traveling quite a bit the past year has taught me a lot about what I need and don’t need through packing my bags. What do I really need to bring with me? Can I live without this or that? I usually find in the piles of perfect packing that I only use a small amount of what I take with me! I ALWAYS regret the consequences of heavy baggage: higher fees, sore shoulders and back from lugging and lifting, more clothes to hang up and not enough hangers, more “things” to unpack and repack resulting in time wasted and the frustration from not knowing what is enough.

Is life like that? Do we carry around heavy unneeded baggage with us where ever we go? We will feel this just like we feel the soreness in our shoulders.

Like Max Lucado says….discontent, weariness, grief, doubt, loneliness and fear are the consequences of having heavy laden baggage. Lightening up would really bring a lot of freedom, wouldn't it? What is the baggage that weights you down? How do these “bags” affect your productivity and creativity, as well as your daily life?

In traveling, I realize I may need a skycap who can carry this weight OR I can get rid of some things and pack lighter next time. Just what are these burdens that I keep with me? What makes me hold on so tightly? How do I get rid of things that are burdening me? To unpack I need some very important strategies:

1. Spiritual Practice of Quiet and Reflection: I need to establish quiet and reflective routines that allow for worship and centering. By prayer and meditation FIRST, I can listen to what God is saying to me about what I really need. I can more easily see the TRUTH about myself and LET GO of the burdens that hinder my personal growth and effectiveness in life.

2. Reframing and Listening to Truth: I can recognize Negative Thought Patterns that crowd my luggage space and replace them with True and Affirming Thoughts that allow for freedom and energy in my life.

3. Visual Anchors: I can visualize an anchor (a picture of something or a statement) that reminds me to get back on track and get rid of pounds of unneeded stuff in my life. I use the visual anchor of Lucado’s heavy laden suitcase being swept away by a very strong and joyful skycap. He puts it on a plane and it flies away, never to be seen again! This skycap then hands me the perfect lightweight bag. I look inside and find exactly what I need for that very moment! I hear the sky cap say: “Thank-you Ma’am, for Letting Go of Those Bags! Have a great day!” This sky cap can actually be God taking hold of my burdens for me!

During the upcoming fall season, more than likely you will be packing your bags to go somewhere. When you do, take the time to reflect on these questions: What is burdening me right now? What do I need to let go of? What do I really need right now? Allow yourself to slow down enough to get Quiet and Reflect, Reframe and Listen to the Truth, and Visualize your own personal Skycap whisking your burdens away and giving back to you exactly what you need.

©2010 Susan Miller, PhD, LPCS, NCC, BCPCC

Psychotherapist and Creativity Coach

Snakes and Butterflies

Where do the Snakes Come From?

OUR THOUGHT LIFE!

By Susan Miller, PhD, LPC, NCC

What are Snakes?

Destructive thoughts that slither in and steal our joy, These thoughts are usually dark, dangerous and dubious and have to do with who we think we are or how we think we have performed or what bad things are coming our way because we are NOT this or that.

These snakes begin to crawl all around us, until all we see are the snakes. They hiss and curl around our ankles and threaten to bite us, sometimes actually inflicting wounds that fester and will not heal.

These snakes begin to cause us to develop habits that come from these wounds and our focus on them. We see the snakes as never disappearing so we begin to incorporate them into our lives. The snakes take over and we become so fearful we cannot see life without them. We get used to them and learn to tip toe around them and AVOID them as best we can, but only stirs them up again to once again bite us and steal our joy.

How Do We Get Rid of SNAKES?

We have to first recognize them for what they are: DESTRUCTIVE!

We have to actually look around us and see that there is so much more to life than the snakes! There might just be joy that can kill the snakes if we can develop begin to replace these snakes with new thoughts, positive true thoughts.

By practicing these affirmations and Truth about who we really are (even if we FEEL like they are not true), we will begin to slowly run those little guys off our property. But we have to really be diligent for long while to get rid of them all because they like to slither back into our territory. You see they are creatures of habit.

SO….if we find new creatures of habit who are TRUE and PRETTY and GOOD, we can teach ourselves to embrace these guys in our lives and teach them to stay around us.

What are these creatures? HEALTHY THOUGHTS

We will call them BUTTERFLIES!

BUTTERFLIES have come from a really difficult birth. They start out something that they are not now. They start from a funky little caterpillar that has to crawl and wrap itself up in a cocoon and percolate for a while before coming out into the world. These caterpillars stay wrapped up and do not appear to even be alive…..BUT one day they begin to wiggle and jiggle around in their cocoon and become stronger and stronger as they do. A beautiful thing happens….it breaks through the cocoon, starting a process of METAMORPHISIS, which completely transforms this little creature into a lovely and strong BUTTERFLY that is able to fly! BREAKING FREE from the ties that bind!

BUTTERFLIES are NEW THOUGHTS that you replace where the snakes have been. You take action to change your thoughts. It takes practice and practice, much like the caterpillar coming out of the cocoon. It does not LOOK or FEEL like a butterfly, but it is, if you keep believing it is TRUE.

TO GET RID OF SNAKES YOU NEED BUTTERFLIES!

TO BECOME A BUTTERFLY

YOU HAVE TO GET OUT OF THE COCOON!

After Destructive thoughts are changed to Healthy thoughts, then the FEELINGS come. In the meantime, ACT AS IF you believe that you have butterflies. ACT AS IF the snakes are not there and that the butterflies are coming! ACT AS IF butterflies are flying all around you. ACT AS IF your life revolves around the butterflies. ACT AS IF you believe in butterflies. Practice Practice Practice and DO NOT GIVE UP. The metamorphosis will come soon and what does not look like a butterfly WILL BE A BUTTERFLY!

YOUR THOUGHTS WILL BE CHANGED AND YOU WILL FEEL AND LIVE LIFE WITH BUTTERFLIES ALL AROUND YOU!

CORE BELIEFS

Truth (beautiful and freeing butterfly) vs Lies (hissing and biting snake)

THOUGHTS

Affirming vs Critical

FEELINGS

Positive vs Negative

BEHAVIOR

Healthy vs Destructive

jason mraz - rainbow connection

Secure Base Parenting: Fostering Teens Toward Healthy Connection and Autonomy in Today's Changing World

Teenagers and their parents experience a daunting and dramatic change as they embark on the journey through adolescence together. A teen’s worldview is drastically challenged. Parents observe their adolescent and wonder how to navigate a successful relationship. The journey of parenthood is suddenly different, with parents frequently feeling overwhelmed by confusion, sadness, anger, frustration, fear and pain. Parents simultaneously feel excited to see their child becoming what can appear to be an adult; yet often have a difficult time relating to this emerging person-hood. Teens seem to be pushing their parents away, while desperately needing closeness at the same time.

Parenting today’s teenager is a challenging journey with many opportunities for growth. Most parents desire to foster healthy autonomy and yet yearn to maintain emotional connection. Parents frequently lack confidence in their ability to know how to remain connected like they experienced when their teen was younger. To navigate this developmental stage more effectively, parents need an evidence-based framework congruent with Biblical principals from which to develop a successful parenting style that will help the teen establish separation and autonomy while providing a better emotional connection.

Research in the fields of parenting and developmental psychology has found that authoritative, emotionally-based parenting provides for a more secure attachment between parent and teen, thus promoting the best outcome for adolescents to achieve healthy autonomy. Research documents that authoritative, emotionally-based parenting provides for better emotional breakthrough with adolescents leading to a healthier autonomy. Authoritative parenting promotes emotional openness providing safety in communication that creates connectedness between the teen and their parents. This connectedness is the glue that solidifies a secure attachment, which is the cornerstone for the teen’s ability to navigate adulthood in a healthy way.

Parents and teens struggle to develop and maintain secure attachments. This journey often becomes littered with many obstacles such as teens’ mental health issues and parents’ own mid life transitions. Most Christian families experience some degree of relational strain with their teens. “In conservative Christian families, an adolescent’s assertion of autonomy often stimulates significant relational strain” (Greggo & Mesnick, 2003, p. 317).

Parents of adolescents may seek counseling due to this relational strain between with their teen. This strain is associated with the teen’s developmental task of becoming autonomous and the resulting discomfort between parent and child (Greggo & Mesnick, 2003, p. 317). The teen is attempting to individuate, a natural course of life, often in ways that frustrate parents. Parents may be scratching their heads wondering how to respond to their adolescent. Teens are sometimes depressed and anxious, oppositional, and most certainly stressed. Parents then have difficulty finding ways to cope with their own stress in the relationship. Many have been parented ineffectively themselves. They tend to base their parenting style on their unhealthy family models. During this developmental phase, parents need to be flexible, set healthy boundaries and be emotionally available. This most likely requires a modification of their previous parenting approach. “In Christian families with no model for gradually establishing adolescent autonomy and adjusting the parental relationship, there is an increased risk of an adolescent acting out or developing an internalizing mental health concern” (Greggo & Mesnick, 2003, p. 318).

Parents must deal with their own emotional issues and experience healthy spiritual and emotional development themselves while encouraging a strong emotional attachment with their teen which moves the teen toward greater success in developing healthy individuation and autonomy.

Authoritative, grace-based, emotionally connected parenting provides for a secure attachment between parent and teen. This parenting framework is referred to as Secure-Base Parenting and would be a useful foundation in the development of this parenting curriculum. This concept is described by this quote:

The parent and adolescent attachment system is a goal-directed partnership characterized by a stability of relationship in the midst of new challenges and development needs. Thus, the particularities of the specific regulating behaviors and emotions vary while the quality of relational bonds remains reasonably consistent. (Greggo & Mesnick, 2003, p. 319)

John Bowlby, who is the father of psychological theory regarding attachment, in A Secure-Base, wrote this: “Study after study…attest that healthy, happy, and self-reliant adolescents and young adults are the products of stable homes in which both parents give a great deal of time and attention to the children” (Bowlby, 1988, p. 2). His concept of parenting states:
…the provision by both parents of a secure base from which a child or adolescent can make sorties into the outside world and to which he can return knowing for sure that he will be welcomed when he gets there, nourished physically and emotionally, comforted if distressed, reassured if frightened. In essence this role is one of being available, ready to respond when called upon to encourage and perhaps assist, but to intervene actively only when clearly necessary. (Bowlby, 1988, p.11)

Michael Resnick of the University of Minnesota states that one must think of youth as “resources to be developed, not problems to be solved” (IAV, 2003, p. 49). Connectedness with adults is extremely important to adolescents. Parents need to:
…address their [teen’s] needs for meaning and sexual identity in pro-social ways, including mentoring, rites of passages, opportunities for adventure, exploration and service, discussions about the meaning of fertility, and guidance regarding the appropriate means of managing sexual and aggressive energies. Much more than it is today, adolescence should become a time for adult engagement with, not retreat from, young people. (IAV, 2003, p. 49)

Just as Dorothy notices that the world is different as she steps outside her uprooted, tornado driven house into the world of Oz, so do teens and parents as they embark on the journey through adolescence.

I remember the feelings of inadequacy and rejection when my daughter, at age fifteen, firmly told me that she would rather stand with her youth group at a concert without me. One might assume that I would be happy that she had friends with whom she was comfortable. But instead, I was heartbroken, sad, confused and unable to enjoy the music or the event. To this day I can visualize the pants she wore, wide-legged, from Hot Topic with dog collar chains hanging down from the loops. This was before one could buy pants with chains already on them. My daughter was a pioneer who forged the individuation path for other teens. She had gotten dog collars and hooked them onto her belt loops for the effect.

Fortunately I did not insist that she stand with me. I watched as she confidently connected with the friends, while feeling like a lost puppy dog. As vivid as this memory is for me and etched into my brain for life, my daughter has no recollection. It was a non-event for her. For me, I stood stunned in the realization that she in the moment was on her way, her own way. I had been preparing her for this moment, and she had accepted the adolescent task of individuation and autonomy in a healthy normal way. I could applaud her! I was stuck in ambivalence, feeling proud and sad.

So why was I so devastated? Why did I feel like I had no clue what to do next? I wanted connectedness with my teen, but was unsure what that connectedness was supposed to look and feel like, much less how to achieve it. Up until about fifteen, things were fairly easy with my daughter, but now it felt awkward at best.

If I were to ask parents; whether single or couples, if they can relate, I suspect the answer would be yes! My interest in parents’ journey during adolescence developed from my own parenting my twins which has resulted in personal emotional and spiritual growth. The many parents I meet with as a counselor and in seminars echo similar conflicting concerns.

Now is the time for the beginning of a new journey, where ever you are in these challenging years. You have the opportunity to learn new and wonderful things as the Wizard of Oz said to Dorothy and her friends. You may be feeling like Oz is right around the corner and that many obstacles are in the way of experiencing a secure base on which to stand to see the Emerald City. But there is Hope. You have a Heavenly Father who loves you and your teen beyond measure. You can rely on Him to see your family through the toughest moments and pivotal joys in your ever changing relationship. He is the God of restoration and He will give you all you need for life and godliness.

His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires. (2 Peter 1: 3-4, NIV)

No matter where this journey takes you, you can be assured it will teach you and your teen valuable lessons. God has your teen and He has you right where He wants you. God also chose you for this task. Don’t ever give up, even though you may frequently feel like it. The relationship with your teen can change and grow as you both change and grow from traveling the journey of adolescence together. The opportunities for connection during this time will provide the backdrop for the future to come.

Resources:

• Miller, Susan S., PhD. (2008) The Journey of Parenting Teens: Fostering Teens Toward Healthy Connection and Autonomy In Today’s Changing World. Unpublished doctoral dissertation, International University, St. Kitts: West Indies.
  
  Institute for American Values (IAV). (2003). A Report for the Nation from the Commission on Children at Risk: Hardwired to Connect. New York: Institute of American Values.
  
  Greggo, S., Mesnick, H. (2003) Autonomy, Attachment, and Adolescent-Parent Relational Strain in Christian Families: Assessment as Treatment. Marriage & Family: A Christian Journal, 6, 317-330.
  
  Bowlby, J. (1988) A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. New York: Basic Books, Inc.

**Please visit http://www.susanmillerlpc.com/ for more information.